Today
has been a busy day. A day for keeping busy, for distracting myself
and trying to change my attitude to life. I like to tell anyone who
will listen (which is next to no one) that I am a strong and
independent person who does what she wants and doesn't care what
other people think. In truth, at the moment, I am none of these
things and that worries me. More than I am already worried since
anxiety seems to be my new go to mode. I have been sliding into a
destructive pattern lately, feeling worthless and miserable and it's
time for it to stop.
My
first move was to tell my boyfriend or whatever he is (we are
supposed to be fuck buddies but it has become more complicated
recently and I hate complicated) that I don't want to see him for
awhile. Everything he says and does lately seems to make me feel
insignificant, petty or boring. He doesn't mean to make me feel that
way and tbf he's treating me pretty much the same as he always has.
The problem is my self esteem is at an all time low and anything less
than praise or being the most important person to someone else is
leaving me depressed. Pathetic right? Especially since I used to be
so strong in my belief of myself. I've told him not to contact me
mostly because that means that I won't be disappointed when he
doesn't. I won't be constantly checking my phone, stalking his fb
page or getting annoyed when he hangs out with his friends while I
sit alone. I won't feel worthless or boring when he doesn't txt me or invite me over. I guess this either makes me seem like a horribly needy
person or makes him sound like a terrible friend and perhaps both are
true at the moment but neither of us mean to be these people and things will change. They have to.
I'm
striking out on my own for awhile. I need to find that girl that I
know is inside me that can be her own hero, her own cheerleader and
her own best friend. I need to learn to rely on myself again as I am
the only person that I can trust to understand and take care of my
feelings, to boost my moral. How can I expect anyone else to want to
spend time with me when I can't stand being around myself.
That's
a distressing thought for me since I really used to love myself
(perhaps too much) I was unique and daring, witty and adventurous. I
used to be interesting.
I
don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to
tell someone how I'm feeling, that I'm trying to change and that I'm
determined to succeed. Today was a good start. I stayed away from
facebook as it always seems to depress me. Everyone saying how great
their lives are, how much fun they had with their friends and I can't
help but compare them to my miserable, lonely existence. Most of it
is lies of course but lies can still hurt. Facebook is optional
though so why do I still punish myself by trawling through it
everyday? Why not opt out? Because I'm weak, I want to know what I'm
missing, I want to get a cheap thrill by posting some crap on my page for attention but then I feel cheated when no one
sees it or I only get two likes. Well enough of that. I'm not good at fishing for attention so I'll stop trying. No more Facebook every minute of the day. Instagram
however is still allowed XD
Today
I've kept busy and tried to achieve things to boost my sense of
purpose. Firstly I baked some cookies and iced them, they didn't turn
out as well as I hoped but my expectations are always too high
considering I'm a novice baker. I also made crème brulee which is an
easy recipe and always turns out well so that cheered me up.
I
went for a walk as exercise is good for the endorphins. We are
looking after my Uncle's farm dog which is kennelled during the day
so it felt good to give her some freedom and explore a paddock with
her. I was thinking of starting up a routine of squats and sit ups
but I'm not sure I'm quite that motivated!
Next
I decided change is good so as well as cutting myself off from
humanity I figured I should do something positive. I settled on
moving my desk into the lounge since it's the only warm room in the
house and it means that I can do some projects to keep my mind busy
without suffering in the cold. I've been meaning to move it for a few
weeks now but never found the motivation.
To
feel good inside I need to like the outside so I changed all my ear
bars to bright colours and comfy studs. I put my fav ring on my
finger and swapped my necklace for one that has a cute disc which
says 'Dream' on it. It seemed appropriate.
I've
also changed around the layout of my room, made it more airy and
moved my bed closer to the window. I've disabled my tv and dvd player
in there as I have been reading a book before bed the last few nights
and it has really aided my sleep and eased my bad dreams. So no more
screen time before bed for a while and that includes my phone and
gameboy. Half an hour of reading will serve me better and it's not
like I'm short on books.
After
posting this I plan to break out my colouring book and felt pens as
that always seems to relax me but still keeps me occupied and gives
me a sense of achievement when I finish a page. A little stress free
therapy.
I'm
not sure whether to be worried or impressed about how easily I can
pretend that I'm ok to everyone that knows me. Maybe I'm just such a
moody cow most of the time that they don't notice when it's actually
serious. Perhaps I internalise too much, after all I don't confide in
anyone when I'm feeling good so how would they know when I feel bad.
Ultimately though I am the only who can help me so I think admitting
to myself that something needs to change is a good step.
I'm
sorry for blahing on. I guess I had more to get off my chest than I
thought. I will keep you updated with my return to my former
arrogant, weird, hopefully interesting self. Wish me luck!
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