A Somewhat Depressing Post About Depression

Today has been a busy day. A day for keeping busy, for distracting myself and trying to change my attitude to life. I like to tell anyone who will listen (which is next to no one) that I am a strong and independent person who does what she wants and doesn't care what other people think. In truth, at the moment, I am none of these things and that worries me. More than I am already worried since anxiety seems to be my new go to mode. I have been sliding into a destructive pattern lately, feeling worthless and miserable and it's time for it to stop.

My first move was to tell my boyfriend or whatever he is (we are supposed to be fuck buddies but it has become more complicated recently and I hate complicated) that I don't want to see him for awhile. Everything he says and does lately seems to make me feel insignificant, petty or boring. He doesn't mean to make me feel that way and tbf he's treating me pretty much the same as he always has. The problem is my self esteem is at an all time low and anything less than praise or being the most important person to someone else is leaving me depressed. Pathetic right? Especially since I used to be so strong in my belief of myself. I've told him not to contact me mostly because that means that I won't be disappointed when he doesn't. I won't be constantly checking my phone, stalking his fb page or getting annoyed when he hangs out with his friends while I sit alone. I won't feel worthless or boring when he doesn't txt me or invite me over. I guess this either makes me seem like a horribly needy person or makes him sound like a terrible friend and perhaps both are true at the moment but neither of us mean to be these people and things will change. They have to.

I'm striking out on my own for awhile. I need to find that girl that I know is inside me that can be her own hero, her own cheerleader and her own best friend. I need to learn to rely on myself again as I am the only person that I can trust to understand and take care of my feelings, to boost my moral. How can I expect anyone else to want to spend time with me when I can't stand being around myself.

That's a distressing thought for me since I really used to love myself (perhaps too much) I was unique and daring, witty and adventurous. I used to be interesting.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling, that I'm trying to change and that I'm determined to succeed. Today was a good start. I stayed away from facebook as it always seems to depress me. Everyone saying how great their lives are, how much fun they had with their friends and I can't help but compare them to my miserable, lonely existence. Most of it is lies of course but lies can still hurt. Facebook is optional though so why do I still punish myself by trawling through it everyday? Why not opt out? Because I'm weak, I want to know what I'm missing, I want to get a cheap thrill by posting some crap on my page for attention but then I feel cheated when no one sees it or I only get two likes. Well enough of that. I'm not good at fishing for attention so I'll stop trying. No more Facebook every minute of the day. Instagram however is still allowed XD

Today I've kept busy and tried to achieve things to boost my sense of purpose. Firstly I baked some cookies and iced them, they didn't turn out as well as I hoped but my expectations are always too high considering I'm a novice baker. I also made crème brulee which is an easy recipe and always turns out well so that cheered me up. 

 

I went for a walk as exercise is good for the endorphins. We are looking after my Uncle's farm dog which is kennelled during the day so it felt good to give her some freedom and explore a paddock with her. I was thinking of starting up a routine of squats and sit ups but I'm not sure I'm quite that motivated!

 

Next I decided change is good so as well as cutting myself off from humanity I figured I should do something positive. I settled on moving my desk into the lounge since it's the only warm room in the house and it means that I can do some projects to keep my mind busy without suffering in the cold. I've been meaning to move it for a few weeks now but never found the motivation.

To feel good inside I need to like the outside so I changed all my ear bars to bright colours and comfy studs. I put my fav ring on my finger and swapped my necklace for one that has a cute disc which says 'Dream' on it. It seemed appropriate. 

 

I've also changed around the layout of my room, made it more airy and moved my bed closer to the window. I've disabled my tv and dvd player in there as I have been reading a book before bed the last few nights and it has really aided my sleep and eased my bad dreams. So no more screen time before bed for a while and that includes my phone and gameboy. Half an hour of reading will serve me better and it's not like I'm short on books. 

 

After posting this I plan to break out my colouring book and felt pens as that always seems to relax me but still keeps me occupied and gives me a sense of achievement when I finish a page. A little stress free therapy.

I'm not sure whether to be worried or impressed about how easily I can pretend that I'm ok to everyone that knows me. Maybe I'm just such a moody cow most of the time that they don't notice when it's actually serious. Perhaps I internalise too much, after all I don't confide in anyone when I'm feeling good so how would they know when I feel bad. Ultimately though I am the only who can help me so I think admitting to myself that something needs to change is a good step.

I'm sorry for blahing on. I guess I had more to get off my chest than I thought. I will keep you updated with my return to my former arrogant, weird, hopefully interesting self. Wish me luck!

The Bitch Can Bake

Life has been pretty slow around here lately. The grass is barely growing and the weather has been pretty terrible so work is patchy at best. This week I have managed to do 2 hours in two days so far. I am also house sitting in the evenings though which is lucky for my bank account but not quite a substitute for a real pay check.

The upside to lack of work though that I have energy to burn around the house and at the moment my new little fad seems to be baking. I've done sugar cookies, dog biscuits and cupcakes in the last 2 weeks as well as getting a bit more adventurous about making dinner.

What I really want to write about though is a new experimental recipe that I've been playing with. In my head I like to call it Lembas after the elven bread in the Lord of the Rings but I think Traveller's Biscuit is perhaps more accurate and lowers expectations!

The weird part in all this (if it wasn't weird enough that I try to bake fictional food) is that the idea originally came to me from making food for a dog. The dog biscuit recipe I have is so simple and lends itself so well to adaptations that I wondered if it could be made palatable for people. Turns out it can! Well palatable to me and Mum but we aren't fussy eaters.

Anyway! My plan was born from laziness really as I have been doing a lot of house sitting lately and I hate having to cook in kitchens I don't know, also it seems like a lot of effort for one person. So I decided I would make a meal in a biscuit, a 'complete and balanced diet' to keep me fuelled while I was away with minimum effort. Ta dah my travelling biscuits were born!

The basis of the recipe is oats and flour which I could say are my carbs, eggs and chorizo for protein. Carrot, leek and parsley for fibre and vitamins. Beef stock for flavour and salt and cheese for fat. Pretty well rounded huh.

Of course all the fresh ingredients can be swapped in or out or added to. The amounts change depending on what I have in the fridge at the time or what I fancy. My ultimate hope for these biscuits is that I can use them as exercise food, for long walks with the dog or perhaps even exploring by myself whether by foot or by car. They have a flexible consistency so don't crumb in the pocket and wouldn't break if accidentally sat on. They can last about a week with out needing to be in the fridge and taste alright hot or cold. They aren't a five star meal but they have everything necessary and if followed with a chocolate bar I reckon they could keep someone going all day. As a side bonus they are even safe for my furry friend if I feel he needs a snack.

So there you have it. The latest instalment of the weird things that I come with to fill time in the winter. What odd things do you do to while away the dark hours?

My Life May Be Odd Because I'm Odd

This morning was another cold one and I couldn't resist taking pictures of the frost. At the moment I find it hard to resist taking pictures of anything. During the work day I got a pretty good snap of a heron and also a kingfisher, both of which were hanging around areas which are normally dry but are currently under water.

After work we picked up Rush again and brought him home and I took him for a walk along one of the lanes just so that he had a little exercise before we slobbed in the house. At the end of the lane we saw some cows with covers on which was totally cute but so strange as most farmers would just let them deal with the cold. They may have only been old grain sacks cut in half but the thought counts.

Just outside our house I found a baby hedgehog which is definitely odd for this time of year as they should all be hibernating. Its a real small one though and oddly tame so I picked it up and brought it in. I can pick it up without it curling into a ball and it has a kind of weird cough/sneeze going on so I think it's underweight and ill. I've popped it into my old rat cage on the porch with some hay and an egg to eat. We are planning to buy some cat meat tomorrow and we will fatten it up over the winter and release it in spring which we have done before with another hedgehog a few years ago. Hopefully the little cutie lives.

Rush had a bit of a hissy fit this morning and refused to eat his breakfast. Mum is determined that he doesn't like his dog food because the biscuits are burnt. They aren't but the fact remains that he wasn't keen so since he had to stay with us again tonight I decided to bake his dinner for him and he got tonight's serving still warm from the oven.

I have changed the original recipe so many times that now only the oats, eggs and flour remain from the ingredient list. Tonight I wanted it to be a meat and veg dinner so I added beef stock, garlic, carrots, parsley and silverbeet. I mixed it all up, rolled it out and baked for 30 mins. Don't ask me what nutritional value it has as I have no idea but Rush loves it and ate 2 biscuits in a matter of seconds! I reckon tomorrow he might decide breakfast is worth eating after all.