A Week of Weirdness

My life is always pretty weird but this week in particular has been extra strange, or extra interesting depending on the point of view. Spring has sprung and we have been having some lovely walks in the countryside in the sunshine. Most things are looking green now or starting to come into bud. The sun even has a little warmth in it now. That's not to say that the British weather is behaving itself though, oh no. Just when you think it's heading towards shorts and tshirt weather BAM. Snow....

Seriously this happened. Middle of April and I wake up to snow. The day before had been lovely and sunny. It wasn't just a little powder that melted before the sun rose either, it was a couple of inches that hung around until mid morning. I thought it was great of course, I don't see snow very often so I like to take pictures of it at any opportunity. I made sure to put some extra seed on the bird tables too since the local birds looked as confused as I was.

 

 This was also a week for projects, the main one being that I had a go at making my own shampoo. Not because I'm a health freak mind you, or one of those people that won't use anything unless it's organic, but simply because I can't find a supermarket shampoo that doesn't make my scalp bleed. 
That's a bit dramatic actually but the point is most supermarket shampoos don't seem to react well with my skin and I end up scratching until I bleed. I have tried the medicated shampoos, organic shampoos, sensitive skin, dandruff, healthy healing etc etc but no luck so far.
So, in desperation really, I decided to have a go at my own version using all natural products. I'd love to say that it's the most fantastic thing I've ever used etc but so far it's a bit of a nightmare really. My hair is pretty disgusting atm, greasy but somehow dry, stiff and generally not pleasant. I have been led to believe that it may take a couple of weeks for my hair to adjust though and since I've only been using the stuff for three days I'll give it a bit longer before I discount it. After all, the main reason I want a natural shampoo is to ease the itches and the last few days have been the best I've had for awhile so I'll have to take the good with the bad I guess and hope for the best.
   

 

My second project was to get feathers for this bottle that my sister got for me (from an undisclosed location as she may have borrowed it long term XD)

I was set on wanting pheasant feathers, don't ask me why, I don't have reasons for how my mind works. So the only way I could think of getting feathers from a pheasant, without shooting one or chasing one aimlessly around a paddock for a few weeks, was to find one that was already dead. Road kill to be precise. The less smooshed the better.

Sooo, it took awhile, to be honest I have been scoping out the local roadkill (and some not so local) for a couple of months now. You don't realise how inaccessible most road kill is until you want to start a collection of dead animal parts. I mean you can't just stop in the middle of motorway to go and poke at a dead fox without possibly killing yourself too or at least getting some stern words from a policeman. Eventually though we had success in the form of a recently dead pheasant that was in an area where it was possible to stop and I was able to scrape it off the tarmack and pluck it's tail without getting hit by a car myself.

 So was it all worth it? I'll let you decide what you think but personally I really like it but I'm just set that way.

Just to finish up this post I thought this photo was pretty good. If you don't follow me on instagram you wouldn't be aware that I carry a soft toy rabbit called Chester around with me everywhere I go and take photos of him. He has his own account actually @travellingchester if you're interested. 

Here he is with my sister's dog (who also has his own instagram account @one_dollar_please) when we went for a walk two nights ago. 

I think Dollar's expression speaks volumes in this picture. You know you're a true weirdo when a dog looks thinks you're odd. Poor boy. He does get subjected to many photos being taken of him and he is usually a good sport about it. Something about having to pose with gorse and a stuffed rabbit though seemed perhaps a bit much even for him. Although thinking about it I can't really blame him XD

I have no idea whats going on with the photo size and orientation in this post by the way. Or why the text it centered. I'm too lazy to change it so I'm just going to say that it's intentionally weird to round out a weird post about weird things on a blog called Today Was Weird! Did you have any weird moments this week. I'd love to know what kind of odd things you get up to so let me know in the comments.

Until next time, Stay Weird.

 

 

 

A Somewhat Depressing Post About Depression

Today has been a busy day. A day for keeping busy, for distracting myself and trying to change my attitude to life. I like to tell anyone who will listen (which is next to no one) that I am a strong and independent person who does what she wants and doesn't care what other people think. In truth, at the moment, I am none of these things and that worries me. More than I am already worried since anxiety seems to be my new go to mode. I have been sliding into a destructive pattern lately, feeling worthless and miserable and it's time for it to stop.

My first move was to tell my boyfriend or whatever he is (we are supposed to be fuck buddies but it has become more complicated recently and I hate complicated) that I don't want to see him for awhile. Everything he says and does lately seems to make me feel insignificant, petty or boring. He doesn't mean to make me feel that way and tbf he's treating me pretty much the same as he always has. The problem is my self esteem is at an all time low and anything less than praise or being the most important person to someone else is leaving me depressed. Pathetic right? Especially since I used to be so strong in my belief of myself. I've told him not to contact me mostly because that means that I won't be disappointed when he doesn't. I won't be constantly checking my phone, stalking his fb page or getting annoyed when he hangs out with his friends while I sit alone. I won't feel worthless or boring when he doesn't txt me or invite me over. I guess this either makes me seem like a horribly needy person or makes him sound like a terrible friend and perhaps both are true at the moment but neither of us mean to be these people and things will change. They have to.

I'm striking out on my own for awhile. I need to find that girl that I know is inside me that can be her own hero, her own cheerleader and her own best friend. I need to learn to rely on myself again as I am the only person that I can trust to understand and take care of my feelings, to boost my moral. How can I expect anyone else to want to spend time with me when I can't stand being around myself.

That's a distressing thought for me since I really used to love myself (perhaps too much) I was unique and daring, witty and adventurous. I used to be interesting.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling, that I'm trying to change and that I'm determined to succeed. Today was a good start. I stayed away from facebook as it always seems to depress me. Everyone saying how great their lives are, how much fun they had with their friends and I can't help but compare them to my miserable, lonely existence. Most of it is lies of course but lies can still hurt. Facebook is optional though so why do I still punish myself by trawling through it everyday? Why not opt out? Because I'm weak, I want to know what I'm missing, I want to get a cheap thrill by posting some crap on my page for attention but then I feel cheated when no one sees it or I only get two likes. Well enough of that. I'm not good at fishing for attention so I'll stop trying. No more Facebook every minute of the day. Instagram however is still allowed XD

Today I've kept busy and tried to achieve things to boost my sense of purpose. Firstly I baked some cookies and iced them, they didn't turn out as well as I hoped but my expectations are always too high considering I'm a novice baker. I also made crème brulee which is an easy recipe and always turns out well so that cheered me up. 

 

I went for a walk as exercise is good for the endorphins. We are looking after my Uncle's farm dog which is kennelled during the day so it felt good to give her some freedom and explore a paddock with her. I was thinking of starting up a routine of squats and sit ups but I'm not sure I'm quite that motivated!

 

Next I decided change is good so as well as cutting myself off from humanity I figured I should do something positive. I settled on moving my desk into the lounge since it's the only warm room in the house and it means that I can do some projects to keep my mind busy without suffering in the cold. I've been meaning to move it for a few weeks now but never found the motivation.

To feel good inside I need to like the outside so I changed all my ear bars to bright colours and comfy studs. I put my fav ring on my finger and swapped my necklace for one that has a cute disc which says 'Dream' on it. It seemed appropriate. 

 

I've also changed around the layout of my room, made it more airy and moved my bed closer to the window. I've disabled my tv and dvd player in there as I have been reading a book before bed the last few nights and it has really aided my sleep and eased my bad dreams. So no more screen time before bed for a while and that includes my phone and gameboy. Half an hour of reading will serve me better and it's not like I'm short on books. 

 

After posting this I plan to break out my colouring book and felt pens as that always seems to relax me but still keeps me occupied and gives me a sense of achievement when I finish a page. A little stress free therapy.

I'm not sure whether to be worried or impressed about how easily I can pretend that I'm ok to everyone that knows me. Maybe I'm just such a moody cow most of the time that they don't notice when it's actually serious. Perhaps I internalise too much, after all I don't confide in anyone when I'm feeling good so how would they know when I feel bad. Ultimately though I am the only who can help me so I think admitting to myself that something needs to change is a good step.

I'm sorry for blahing on. I guess I had more to get off my chest than I thought. I will keep you updated with my return to my former arrogant, weird, hopefully interesting self. Wish me luck!

The Bitch Can Bake

Life has been pretty slow around here lately. The grass is barely growing and the weather has been pretty terrible so work is patchy at best. This week I have managed to do 2 hours in two days so far. I am also house sitting in the evenings though which is lucky for my bank account but not quite a substitute for a real pay check.

The upside to lack of work though that I have energy to burn around the house and at the moment my new little fad seems to be baking. I've done sugar cookies, dog biscuits and cupcakes in the last 2 weeks as well as getting a bit more adventurous about making dinner.

What I really want to write about though is a new experimental recipe that I've been playing with. In my head I like to call it Lembas after the elven bread in the Lord of the Rings but I think Traveller's Biscuit is perhaps more accurate and lowers expectations!

The weird part in all this (if it wasn't weird enough that I try to bake fictional food) is that the idea originally came to me from making food for a dog. The dog biscuit recipe I have is so simple and lends itself so well to adaptations that I wondered if it could be made palatable for people. Turns out it can! Well palatable to me and Mum but we aren't fussy eaters.

Anyway! My plan was born from laziness really as I have been doing a lot of house sitting lately and I hate having to cook in kitchens I don't know, also it seems like a lot of effort for one person. So I decided I would make a meal in a biscuit, a 'complete and balanced diet' to keep me fuelled while I was away with minimum effort. Ta dah my travelling biscuits were born!

The basis of the recipe is oats and flour which I could say are my carbs, eggs and chorizo for protein. Carrot, leek and parsley for fibre and vitamins. Beef stock for flavour and salt and cheese for fat. Pretty well rounded huh.

Of course all the fresh ingredients can be swapped in or out or added to. The amounts change depending on what I have in the fridge at the time or what I fancy. My ultimate hope for these biscuits is that I can use them as exercise food, for long walks with the dog or perhaps even exploring by myself whether by foot or by car. They have a flexible consistency so don't crumb in the pocket and wouldn't break if accidentally sat on. They can last about a week with out needing to be in the fridge and taste alright hot or cold. They aren't a five star meal but they have everything necessary and if followed with a chocolate bar I reckon they could keep someone going all day. As a side bonus they are even safe for my furry friend if I feel he needs a snack.

So there you have it. The latest instalment of the weird things that I come with to fill time in the winter. What odd things do you do to while away the dark hours?

A Little Bit Personal....

Awhile ago on facebook there was a thing going around where you had to write 7 little known facts about yourself to share with your friends. Being somewhat reserved, unwilling for people to know me better and a great hater of group sharing things on FB I didn't actually take part but the idea stuck with me and got me thinking.

I don't actually like to talk about myself all that much to people that I hang out with, I always say it's because I'm boring and there's not much to tell but I think I actually have trust issues. I figure the less people know about me the less they can use to hurt me. Of course the flip side is that the less they know, the less they care which is why I don't have many friends. I am the way I am though.

Over the course of a work day I tend to have a lot of time to think so the ideas came to me fairly quickly. I ended up with a few more than 7 although the final list was whittled down quite drastically to just the 9 facts I have chosen below. Chances are the ones that made the list some people will know anyway and the real juicy facts will remain secret just because there are some things that I'm not brave enough to share. Unfortunately I've managed to blah on about most of the facts rather more than I had anticipated so I've highlighted the titles if you just want to get the basic idea.

So without further ado, onto the list!

1) I'm terrified of the ocean.

I love the beach and I love to paddle in the waves but if I go more than knee high I start to get anxious, more than waist high I start to get an adrenaline rush and if I get neck high or my feet leave the ground I can full out panic. I have been able to convince myself into the water a few times, usually when the waves are small and I'm alone just to prove to myself that I can but I don't enjoy it. I feel especially awkward in the summer going to the beach with people I know who all run for the waves as soon as we arrive. Usually I make sure I have Rush with me so that I can use him as an excuse to wander off for half an hour while they enjoy the water but if I don't have a dog I tend to just look lost, standing around on the sand. I can't even contemplate swimming with other people. Even now, safe at home, the thought of someone tipping me under the water whether by accident or in play, makes my stomach twist. I don't even really know why I'm scared of the sea. I can swim well, although I have sinus issues if I go underwater, and the only somewhat distressing memory I have at a beach is when me and sister rock hopped out too far and the tide closed in behind us. We were promptly rescued by Dad though and I don't even remember if we got wet...

2) Cows are my favourite animals, not dogs, like most people believe.

3) I despise hugs. Also I dislike almost all other physical contact.

This one won't surprise many people, after all I can be rather blunt or brutal when letting people know about this one. Luckily for me there are few situations where I am forced into touching someone or have to tolerate some one else touching me. Most of all I despise hugs, even among friends and family I still find them awkward. There is in fact only one person on the planet that I can hug with complete ease and that's my friend Rach. I've known her for a long time (we even lived together for awhile) and she comes from a very huggy family so she expects (and often demands) a hug on greeting and departure. She knows I don't like to be touched and she leaves me to my personal space in all other ways but she insists on the hugs and after years of being chased down or grabbed before I could escape she has successfully desensitized me to the hug. At least hugs with her. If anyone else tries to hug me they get a stern word and a frowny face at best. At worst, a nice bruise.

As for why I dislike physical contact? Again I don't know. I've always been stand offish, even as a child I can remember refusing to hug relatives and being dragged from hiding places to say goodbye to guests properly. It's just a built in aversion.

4) I have never broken a bone. My most serious injury to date was a sprained ankle.

5) I find being called 'pretty' somewhat offensive.

Being judged by my gender or face really aggravates me, especially when people tell me that I am too pretty to be doing a certain job or too pretty to be dating a certain person. Why does it matter what I look like? Just because I have a passably attractive face doesn't make me a better person, it doesn't mean that I should be treated better than anyone else and it certainly doesn't mean that I am unable to complete or enjoy manual jobs. I know that all human beings judge others by appearance but when people look at me and decide my personality before I have even spoken it makes me wonder if I should even bother speaking. I have met more people than I would like who assume so many things about me just because I am female that they think I am lying or attention seeking when I tell them my true views and opinions which is why I give so many vague answers. Sometimes I will just tell them what they want to hear because I know they won't accept what I really believe and then I try to distract them with another topic to avoid any more detailed questions.

6) I have an extremely active imagination.

I often tell people that I have a poor memory which is a bit of a lie because I have an excellent memory for certain events that strike a chord with me. My problem is that I spend a lot of time making up stories in my head and I have very vivid dreams at night so my reality and fantasy worlds can get somewhat blurred. Quite frankly I'm just not sure if the memories I have are real or made up so I tend to err on the side of caution and just say that I don't remember.

7) Only two people outside my family know the true me

They know who they are and I love them both, they will always be my most important friends even when they eventually find me too odd and stop spending time with me. Most people find me odd to be honest, even my own father says I'm strange but I'm ok with that, I know I'm different from the norm and I really rather enjoy it. I tend to tone it down for those who don't know me extremely well though because my undiluted personality can be difficult to handle. Even for those who have accepted me can find me difficult to understand and get weirded out or worried by my strange behaviour, they have usually seen enough of it to just shake their heads at me or tell me to pack it in though. One day I will give in to myself and allow my true nature to run rampant but I haven't quite given up on society yet.

8)I have a strong fear of rejection

I still have difficulty believing that people can like me and I have discarded many budding friendships and relationships simply because I have passed them off believing them to not be genuine. I am often callous, indifferent or down right mean to people when I first meet them in the hopes that my poor attitude will drive them away before I decide I like them. I also figure that if I hand them the reason to dislike me then I won't be hurt when they don't want to spend time with me. A few tenacious people have made it past this stage, either by sheer determination or accident, and I am now rather fond of them. Not that I would let on and they shall remain anonymous to save anyone being embarrassed and because I'm afraid they won't return my feelings of fondness. Which rather nicely sums up the point I am trying to make.

9) I am more comfortable around guys

Again this will not come as much of a surprise to most people but at least I can define the reason. To put it simply, they don't give a crap. I don't like to talk about my feelings, dissect my relationships with people, think about my future life goals and I have little to no interest in most things girls talk about. Trying to hold a conversation about make up, babies, boyfriends, clothes, calories, shoes, hair care, shops, weddings or whatever else is important generally makes me want to hit my head against a wall just to keep myself awake. I can talk about these subjects in small bursts, making passable responses like some sort of talking parrot (or a well trained boyfriend I suppose) but mostly I prefer to just avoid these topics all together. Guys don't really do touchy feely conversations and when they do I tend to avoid them too. Also I can look my worst around a bunch of guys and not feel hideous cos they all look pretty terrible too. I always feel like there's some sort of competition happening that I don't know the rules to when I'm in with a group of girls. So although I really do try to get along with the girls I know I usually just feel like I've warped into somewhere foreign with a strange language and customs I don't understand.

So there's my list! Some what long winded but that's why I don't talk about me very often. No need to worry though there won't be many more heartfelt confessions any time soon (if ever) so you can relax.

Has anyone else got any personal facts they want to share? If you like this blog idea and decide to write one about yourself send me a link so that I can check it out. I'd be interested to see what other people think about themselves.