A Little Bit Personal....

Awhile ago on facebook there was a thing going around where you had to write 7 little known facts about yourself to share with your friends. Being somewhat reserved, unwilling for people to know me better and a great hater of group sharing things on FB I didn't actually take part but the idea stuck with me and got me thinking.

I don't actually like to talk about myself all that much to people that I hang out with, I always say it's because I'm boring and there's not much to tell but I think I actually have trust issues. I figure the less people know about me the less they can use to hurt me. Of course the flip side is that the less they know, the less they care which is why I don't have many friends. I am the way I am though.

Over the course of a work day I tend to have a lot of time to think so the ideas came to me fairly quickly. I ended up with a few more than 7 although the final list was whittled down quite drastically to just the 9 facts I have chosen below. Chances are the ones that made the list some people will know anyway and the real juicy facts will remain secret just because there are some things that I'm not brave enough to share. Unfortunately I've managed to blah on about most of the facts rather more than I had anticipated so I've highlighted the titles if you just want to get the basic idea.

So without further ado, onto the list!

1) I'm terrified of the ocean.

I love the beach and I love to paddle in the waves but if I go more than knee high I start to get anxious, more than waist high I start to get an adrenaline rush and if I get neck high or my feet leave the ground I can full out panic. I have been able to convince myself into the water a few times, usually when the waves are small and I'm alone just to prove to myself that I can but I don't enjoy it. I feel especially awkward in the summer going to the beach with people I know who all run for the waves as soon as we arrive. Usually I make sure I have Rush with me so that I can use him as an excuse to wander off for half an hour while they enjoy the water but if I don't have a dog I tend to just look lost, standing around on the sand. I can't even contemplate swimming with other people. Even now, safe at home, the thought of someone tipping me under the water whether by accident or in play, makes my stomach twist. I don't even really know why I'm scared of the sea. I can swim well, although I have sinus issues if I go underwater, and the only somewhat distressing memory I have at a beach is when me and sister rock hopped out too far and the tide closed in behind us. We were promptly rescued by Dad though and I don't even remember if we got wet...

2) Cows are my favourite animals, not dogs, like most people believe.

3) I despise hugs. Also I dislike almost all other physical contact.

This one won't surprise many people, after all I can be rather blunt or brutal when letting people know about this one. Luckily for me there are few situations where I am forced into touching someone or have to tolerate some one else touching me. Most of all I despise hugs, even among friends and family I still find them awkward. There is in fact only one person on the planet that I can hug with complete ease and that's my friend Rach. I've known her for a long time (we even lived together for awhile) and she comes from a very huggy family so she expects (and often demands) a hug on greeting and departure. She knows I don't like to be touched and she leaves me to my personal space in all other ways but she insists on the hugs and after years of being chased down or grabbed before I could escape she has successfully desensitized me to the hug. At least hugs with her. If anyone else tries to hug me they get a stern word and a frowny face at best. At worst, a nice bruise.

As for why I dislike physical contact? Again I don't know. I've always been stand offish, even as a child I can remember refusing to hug relatives and being dragged from hiding places to say goodbye to guests properly. It's just a built in aversion.

4) I have never broken a bone. My most serious injury to date was a sprained ankle.

5) I find being called 'pretty' somewhat offensive.

Being judged by my gender or face really aggravates me, especially when people tell me that I am too pretty to be doing a certain job or too pretty to be dating a certain person. Why does it matter what I look like? Just because I have a passably attractive face doesn't make me a better person, it doesn't mean that I should be treated better than anyone else and it certainly doesn't mean that I am unable to complete or enjoy manual jobs. I know that all human beings judge others by appearance but when people look at me and decide my personality before I have even spoken it makes me wonder if I should even bother speaking. I have met more people than I would like who assume so many things about me just because I am female that they think I am lying or attention seeking when I tell them my true views and opinions which is why I give so many vague answers. Sometimes I will just tell them what they want to hear because I know they won't accept what I really believe and then I try to distract them with another topic to avoid any more detailed questions.

6) I have an extremely active imagination.

I often tell people that I have a poor memory which is a bit of a lie because I have an excellent memory for certain events that strike a chord with me. My problem is that I spend a lot of time making up stories in my head and I have very vivid dreams at night so my reality and fantasy worlds can get somewhat blurred. Quite frankly I'm just not sure if the memories I have are real or made up so I tend to err on the side of caution and just say that I don't remember.

7) Only two people outside my family know the true me

They know who they are and I love them both, they will always be my most important friends even when they eventually find me too odd and stop spending time with me. Most people find me odd to be honest, even my own father says I'm strange but I'm ok with that, I know I'm different from the norm and I really rather enjoy it. I tend to tone it down for those who don't know me extremely well though because my undiluted personality can be difficult to handle. Even for those who have accepted me can find me difficult to understand and get weirded out or worried by my strange behaviour, they have usually seen enough of it to just shake their heads at me or tell me to pack it in though. One day I will give in to myself and allow my true nature to run rampant but I haven't quite given up on society yet.

8)I have a strong fear of rejection

I still have difficulty believing that people can like me and I have discarded many budding friendships and relationships simply because I have passed them off believing them to not be genuine. I am often callous, indifferent or down right mean to people when I first meet them in the hopes that my poor attitude will drive them away before I decide I like them. I also figure that if I hand them the reason to dislike me then I won't be hurt when they don't want to spend time with me. A few tenacious people have made it past this stage, either by sheer determination or accident, and I am now rather fond of them. Not that I would let on and they shall remain anonymous to save anyone being embarrassed and because I'm afraid they won't return my feelings of fondness. Which rather nicely sums up the point I am trying to make.

9) I am more comfortable around guys

Again this will not come as much of a surprise to most people but at least I can define the reason. To put it simply, they don't give a crap. I don't like to talk about my feelings, dissect my relationships with people, think about my future life goals and I have little to no interest in most things girls talk about. Trying to hold a conversation about make up, babies, boyfriends, clothes, calories, shoes, hair care, shops, weddings or whatever else is important generally makes me want to hit my head against a wall just to keep myself awake. I can talk about these subjects in small bursts, making passable responses like some sort of talking parrot (or a well trained boyfriend I suppose) but mostly I prefer to just avoid these topics all together. Guys don't really do touchy feely conversations and when they do I tend to avoid them too. Also I can look my worst around a bunch of guys and not feel hideous cos they all look pretty terrible too. I always feel like there's some sort of competition happening that I don't know the rules to when I'm in with a group of girls. So although I really do try to get along with the girls I know I usually just feel like I've warped into somewhere foreign with a strange language and customs I don't understand.

So there's my list! Some what long winded but that's why I don't talk about me very often. No need to worry though there won't be many more heartfelt confessions any time soon (if ever) so you can relax.

Has anyone else got any personal facts they want to share? If you like this blog idea and decide to write one about yourself send me a link so that I can check it out. I'd be interested to see what other people think about themselves.